


Red Him and the Big Bad Woof

by elwon



Series: Bizarro Knows Best [1]
Category: Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws Rebirth (Comics)
Genre: Artemis is beyond done, Bizarro is sunshine and joy, Fluff, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-10-28 09:52:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10828845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elwon/pseuds/elwon
Summary: "Red Him! Why am a kid need a dog?” Bizarro calls out.“Uh, companionship, unconditional love, teaching them how to look after others, that sort of thing, I guess?” Jason’s faced is scrunched up in thought. Bizarro kinda wants to boop him on the nose. Carefully. Bizarro does not want to break his only friend, except for Pup-pup and Artemis.





	Red Him and the Big Bad Woof

**Author's Note:**

> As far as I’m concerned the only thing wrong with RHatO Rebirth is that the Outlaws don’t have a dog. This fic fixes that. :Db

The whole thing starts because of daytime reruns of old sitcoms. Artemis had pretty much ordered Jason and Bizarro to stay in the safe house, while Jason recuperates from a sprained ankle. Luckily, their current safe house has a cosy open plan layout, with extremely comfortable but hideously ugly couch that Jason is not allowed to get up from, and a kitchen-diner that is less than three strides away from the living area if Jason does try to get up. Bizarro is supposed to be on guard for that, but he’s glued to the TV, watching a bland 80’s sitcom episode, the plot of which is the kid wants a dog for his birthday, but for whatever reason the dad has to be talked into it by the long-suffering mom. 

The studio audience somehow find this really hilarious. Bizarro does not. Bizarro thinks the mom should divorce the dad and live a happier single life, but Bizarro gets no say in what TV characters do. Jason is trawling the internet for intel on a new drug that’s hit the scene and not paying attention to the TV at all, which was not Bizarro’s plan while Jason heals. The plan was to make Jason relax for a while. Bizarro will have to distract him from the tiny computer with conversation instead. Ugh, conversation. A particular line of dialogue that made the paid audience awww loudly had confused Bizarro, so he might as well ask. 

“Red Him! Why am kid need a dog?” Bizarro calls out. 

“Uh, companionship, unconditional love, teaching them how to look after others, that sort of thing, I guess?” Jason’s faced is scrunched up in thought. Bizarro kinda wants to boop him on the nose. Carefully. Bizarro does not want to break his only friend, except for Pup-pup and Artemis.

“Bizarro has pup-pup! Pup-pup am Bizarro’s pet?” he asks, flicking his gaze over to Pup-pup, who is still safe sitting on the breakfast counter in their kitchen. As the fourth member of their team, Pup-pup has the important job of guarding Jason’s fruit bowl. Their human needs all the fruity and vegetabley goodness that the rest of the team can force him to eat.

“I think it only applies to living things, buddy. Yanno, I used to have a dog when I was a kid? Sparky, his name was. I loved that dog. He used to keep me company under the kitchen table. Made me feel safe, even when we barely had anything to eat.” Jason looks sad and wistful. Well, that won’t do. Bizarro will have to fix that.

***

Bizarro is pleased with himself. It might have taken a few weeks of listening and flying around the world to look in a few dank dirty alleys, but he finally found Sparky. Tan and black with very pointy ears and a long muzzle, he’d been hiding behind a dumpster in Gotham. It’d taken a ham sandwich and a good ten minutes before Sparky had crept out and said hello, but that was ok, Bizarro could be patient for the important things. He’d licked Bizarro on the face after the sandwich, tail wagging hard, so Bizarro had picked him up and flown him to the team headquarters for a bath. He’d nearly lost Sparky in the bubbles, and the bathroom had taken a whole 5 minutes to clean even with super-clone speed, but now the dog was nice and clean and ready to be reunited with Jason. 

While they wait for Jason, they occupy themselves by showing Sparky all around the safe house, Sparky taking a particular interest in the kitchen, which Bizarro thinks makes a lot of sense. He’s introduced to Pup-pup, and Sparky sniffs him thoroughly before raising a paw to shake Pup-pup’s hand. Pup-pup approves of Sparky’s good manners. Bizarro points out the best snoozing spots and that he’s not allowed into Jason’s armoury because EXPLOSIONS. Sparky seems to take in all the information quite well. Bizarro’s sure that Sparky will be a great addition to the team.

Artemis is home first; both Bizarro and Sparky hearing her arrive before they see her. They’re sitting on the floor in front of the TV, with Bob Ross telling them that trees need friends, while Bizarro paints a mountain scene carefully with a tiny little brush, only the very tip and the bristles visible between his fingers. Jason had offered to get bigger ones for him, but Bizarro liked the little green brush that had come with the paint set. Sparky seems more interested in Bizarro’s painting than Bob’s, which gives Bizarro a little warm glow inside.

Artemis stalks in, frustration rolling off her in sparkly little orange waves, clearly whatever she’d been up to before coming in had not worked out as she’d wanted. Artemis throws herself violently into one of the armchairs. Her incredibly long red hair whips around behind her as she does. She stares at Bizarro evenly before blinking a little at Sparky. 

“Bizarro, where did you find that beast?” Artemis sounds bored but there’s a hint of interest there.

“Gotham. Me am find Sparky for Red Him. Boy needs a dog.” Bizarro tells her, hoping she’ll be onboard with his plan to get Jason to relax with a beloved pet.

“He has a collar, he must belong to someone, we can’t keep him.” Artemis sounds a little sorry to tell Bizarro that, “Does the Little One know about this? And even if we do keep the beast, I am not walking him. I refuse to give up my time for the Little One’s pet.”

“Me am surprising Red Him! Red Her am help?” Bizarro turns his big hopeful eyes to Artemis. 

Sparky takes this moment to get up from his spot on the floor and wander into the kitchen. Bizarro hears the refrigerator door open and then close. Pup-pup, still guarding the fruit bowl, obviously approves of Sparky, Bizarro is relieved to realise. Sparky pads back into the living area, heading over to Artemis with a bottle in his mouth. He gingerly places the bottle on one of the little tables next to the armchair, and then sits down in front of her. Artemis looks at the bottle and then at Sparky, and then back to the bottle. She picks it up, flicks the top off of the beer and takes a long drag, maintaining eye contact with Sparky, whose tail is again wagging. Once she sets the bottle down, Sparky moves back to his previous spot, lying on the floor next to Bizarro.

“Fine, the beast may stay.” Artemis generously allows.

Bizarro grins and pats Sparky on the head. Gently. Very, very gently. 

***

It’s about an hour later when Jason finally returns to the safe house his arms full of at least 4 boxes of pizza. Bizarro’s finished his painting and Artemis had pinned it to the refrigerator with magnets for him. The TV is now showing a terrible action movie. Artemis is criticising nearly every element, and any noise from a fight scene can’t be heard over her scoffs. She’s enjoying herself a great deal. Jason walks into the living area, setting the pizza down onto the coffee table and does a double take at the dog in his usual spot on the couch.

“Damn guys, I know you think I’m the least skilled here, but did you have to replace me with a dog, of all things?” Jason’s tone is joking, but Bizarro can hear the worry he’s hiding. As if Bizarro would replace Jason. 

“Red Him not recognise Sparky? Me am spend weeks looking for him!” Bizarro’s not going to let Jason feel bad. Bizarro’s whole reason for getting Sparky was to cheer Jason up, not make him sadder. 

“Uh... buddy, that’s not Sparky. I mean, he’s a cool dog, don’t get me wrong, but uh, Sparky’s pining for the fjords, an ex-dog, yanno?” Jason says, rubbing at the back of neck, obviously hoping to let Bizarro down gently. 

“No. Sparky am Red Him’s.” Bizarro says firmly, picking the dog up and giving him to Jason, who scrabbles to get a hold on the large dog before he drops him.

“Biz, buddy, I don’t know what to tell you,” Jason replies, looking Not-Sparky in the eyes, who stares back in his own doggy way, and Bizarro is pleased to see that they’re both bonding with each other, as Not-Sparky is licking Jason’s cheek and Jason is not complaining, “Ok, he has a collar, we’ll just get the info from that and go from there.” Jason yelps as Bizarro puts his hands on his shoulders and herds him to sit down on the couch, dog still in lap. Artemis, meanwhile has grabbed a gizmo from the nearby workbench and is waving it over the dog. It beeps as the information encoded in the dog’s chip flashes up on the screen.

“Well, his collar says ‘Fenris’, whaddya got, Artemis?” Jason says, wheezing a little as the dog shifts, managing to put a foot in a very delicate place, while furiously licking at Jason’s hair, leaving it stuck up at a funny angle. Artemis doesn’t answer, having moved over to the computer and started working. She’s pulled up a search and is flicking through the results. 

“Red Her?” Bizarro is a little worried, he didn’t get Sparky? Bizarro feels his stomach drop at the thought he’s found the wrong dog. He likes Sparky, they’ve already bonded. Bizarro’s even bought him a dog bed, so he can sleep comfortably. Even Artemis has accepted Sparky into their team. 

“German Shepherd, male, Four years old. Registered as a service dog in the Bowery, Gotham. Seems like the owner has died. There’s nothing here that says the family is looking for him. We shall keep the beast.” Artemis tells them, frowning slightly.

“Fenris, Artemis. Gotta call him his name,” Jason points out. Fenris chooses that moment to jump down from Jason’s lap and trots into the kitchen. The refrigerator door again opens and closes, and Fenris comes back into the living area. He drops the bottle into Jason’s lap, settling his head on Jason’s knee and giving him a look of adoration. Jason picks up the bottle, blinking at it. He pets Fenris’ head without thinking. “Good boy, Fenris. You’re a clever boy, aren’t you? Wonder who trained you to do that... I dunno if we can really keep him, Artemis, not sure that’s a good idea, what with the crimefighting...”

“I don’t know where you got the idea this was a debate, Little One. We are keeping the beast. Shut up and enjoy it.”Artemis rolls her eyes at Jason, coming back to the comfy armchair and snagging three slices of pizza as she goes.

“Not-Sparky am part of team now!” Bizarro adds, smiling as he watches the tension drain out of Jason’s body as he continues to pet Fenris. Bizarro reaches over for one of the pizza boxes, pulling out two slices and shoving them in his mouth, before offering the box to Jason, who takes one and muches idly on it, fingers dragging through the thick ruff of hair on Fenris’s neck.

“Fine, fine, I can see I’ve been outvoted two to one.” Jason huffs. He doesn’t sound in the slightest bit upset by it.

“Three to one, Pup-pup am in favour of Not-Sparky too!” Bizarro says. It’s very important to him that Pup-pup gets his due recognition. He’s a vital part of this team.

“All right, how could I forget Pup-pup? Three to one, why did I even think I could win? But do we have to watch this?” Jason smirks. For some reason he finds Bizarro’s insistence that Pup-pup get a vote on everything too adorable. Bizarro just likes it when everyone is equal, why is that adorable? 

“Yes.” Artemis tells him in tone that won’t be argued with. Jason sighs and shoves another slice of pizza into his mouth, clearly not really bothered about what they watch, slouching comfortably back, utterly relaxed for once.

Bizarro congratulates himself on a plan well executed by taking another 2 slices himself.


End file.
